I hate Mother’s Day.

Okay, that may be a bit harsh.  Hate is a strong word.

I detest Mother’s Day?

Okay, in all truth, Mother’s Day hurts.  It is the one day in my year where I would like to stay away from the outside world, lock myself inside and avoid public contact.  I would like to shield myself from the barrage of “Happy Mother’s Day!”  or “How many children do you have?”.  The worst? “What are your husband and children doing for you this weekend?”  Nothing.

Nothing??  Yes,  because we do not have children.  We were not granted the blessing of children.  It was not our choice and that makes an incredible difference than our not choosing to be parents.  And people will ask and say the dumbest things…

“Were you too career driven to stop and have a child?”

“Did you not consider infertility treatments?”

“Don’t you think it is incredibly selfish to not to have children?”

“Didn’t you want a baby?”

I came from the days where tears would stain the paper I was writing on.  Now, they just make the laptop screen blurry, but they throw my worries onto my keyboard. The questions make me want to scream even more than cry.  Of course, I wanted children!  I wanted to be able to share the things that have been passed down to me to a little person who would look up to me and say “I love you, Momma”.  I wanted to watch my child grow up and I wanted to shield him or her from the evils of this world.  I wanted to see their face on Christmas morning and watch in amazement as the ribbons unfurled and the box tops flung across the room.  I wanted to see them fall in love.  I wanted to know they knew they had every opportunity in the world to be their best at anything.

I wanted so much…

It was not my choice.  And I tried, it simply was not meant to be.

I feel it more now as I get older.  Who will I pass this along to?  You know, the things we store up, the china, my engagement ring?  What happens to all the love I have stored inside of me and my vast knowledge of knowing how to grow and come out better on the other side?  Who, besides my husband, will hold my hand as I age and see my final days?

I have been blessed with a beautiful Goddaughter who I watch grow stronger and smarter each year.  I have two beautiful “nieces” from Alabama who I have been able to bake with and laugh with.  I have an abundance of cats…they love without pretense.  I have a husband who loves me and I have to remember that he, too, has missed so much by our not having children. He knew from the beginning I could not have a child, but he chose me.

Maybe that is what I need to hold close on Mother’s Day–that even though I was not chosen to be a Mother I was chosen to be a wife, a GodMother, a friend who could be a part of my many friend’s children as they have grown.

I need to remember that God chose me for many things I still totally do not understand.

So forgive me if I choose not to participate in today’s festivities.  I will work in my garden and work on my soul…It still wishes, it still prays, it still hurts.  Somewhere in this day I will look up and say “thank you”.  You see, I know blessings come in many forms and the things I feel I have missed have come out of other things.

I just have to remind my heart of that…